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Daddy's Womb MAG
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
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This article has 2185 comments.
Now. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk. Which I know I probably do. But there are so many areas you could explore with just this one poem. So many different takes you could go with - this could truly turn into a few great pieces of work. Just be sure to know what you're saying, first. Because if you don't, we can't. "Daddy's Womb" could be a great title for something. But not this. There is something special inside of you - I can tell from this work. Don't settle for this. I know you got a lot of praise on it; but I guarantee you that this would go nowhere as is. Develop these seperate ideas and really work with your line breaks and form. This will be great.
Take some thought into it, and try to find something that fits into the rest of the poem, because the rest has edginess and is complete. Love it.
But, the birdie just completely wrecks it. You need to find that one puzzle piece left in the puzzle
Keep it up!!! Good Job, and keep writing, it seems to me as if you have more poems up your sleeve. : )
I know that poetry doesn't have to make sense, but this makes NO SENSE, even with the rest of the poem! "The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground." What??
Otherwise, I liked the concept. Make sure you check you work and have different drafts. Leave it alone for 24 hours after you write it, then come back. It'll help. You will be definately great in the future, it just needs work. Good luck with writing! Also, I didn't mean to offend you. I didn't want my words to be harsh, but I just wanted to get my point across. Once again, good luck, Carl, and CAPITALIZE THOSE "I's"! :)