Some start tapping at the age of three
Some have mothers that'll push
Some use race to fish for sympathy
Some parade around their toosh

Some method actors try to "feel" it
Some only start a scene to steal it
Some do ballet
Some get risqué
Some have a four-octave range

I can make them laugh!
Is that so strange?

Now everybody's tailored and conventional
Convinced their Actor's Studio pretention'll
Create those stale performances the critics call art

But every single actor is identical
Their stuffiness could choke you like a tentacle
There's no one now who tears the house apart!

Some think all they have to do is shout
Belting every song to death
Screaming lines until their throats give out
Stopping scenes to gasp for breath

Some act in all those classic snoozers
Some just play aging ruined boozers
Some of them sag
Some dress in drag
Some come and go in a day

I can make them laugh!
And I want pay

Now everybody brushes off comedians
To dedicate award shows to tragedians
The only thing they want to do is sit there and cry

And dramas now are psychoanalytical
Or feminist, religious, or political
The dreck those hippie theatergoers buy

Some whose stage careers go down the tubes
Run to magazines and b****
Some in Hollywood enlarge their boobs
Building up to marry rich

Some find the network train and jump it
Blowing producers like a trumpet
Some are all flash
Still they're a smash
Some dress in sirloin and smell

But I can make them reel
I can make them roar
I can make them squeal
And then start begging me for more
I can make them laugh!
So go to hell!