March 20th, 2010: Falling Apart

Sitting in the hospital everyday is getting tiring,
But I’ll do anything for my mom.
I bought this diary to write down what I feel
Because in a little while
I won’t have my mom to talk to.

It may be a couple of days,
Or a couple of months.
I could lose her anytime,
And I have to be ready.
But I know that I will never be ready.

My mom was diagnosed with cancer six months ago,
And it has not gotten any better.
The doctors have tried more types of medicine than I could say,
But nothing ever seems to help.
I wish they caught it earlier,
But all I have left to do is pray.

My dad left my mom and I a couple of weeks after my mom was diagnosed.
We were both in shock;
He seemed so loving to both of us.
My mom was distressed and asked herself,
“Why did he leave?”
“Why did he do this to me?”

Stress was not good for her.
I tried to calm her.
I wanted to be strong for her,
But sometimes I couldn’t and can’t help bursting into tears
Because I know things cannot get better.

Right around the time my dad left us,
My friends started to go away in a blink of an eye.
They were all ignoring me,
But I didn’t know why.

Everyone was staring.
Everyone was watching.
Everyone was whispering.
What did I do wrong?
It has been so long
Since I had seen a smiling face
Why was I such a disgrace?

I can’t trust people anymore.
They just shut the door
Because of this horrible lie.
I told the world over and over again
That I would never do such a thing.

But not even my best friend,
Who had been the girl I told everything,
Would believe a word I said.
She knew about my hard times at home,
But she left me
Standing there alone.

Oh, how it hurts to be ignored by the one you love most.
I didn’t mind not having a lot of friends,
I only needed one.
But now she’s gone too.
Whatever am I to do?
How do I get through?
Where am I supposed go once my mother is not here?
Who will I have when she is gone?

March 24th, 2010: My “Mistake”
It was on that night.
Before my dad ran away.
Before my mom’s cancer got bad.
I went out with a couple of my friends
And oh, what fun we had.
It made me forget for a little while and smile.

But suddenly I was standing all alone
With the one who I trusted the least.
The popular guy.
The football player.
The jock.
The jerk.
My best friend’s ex.
It felt so wrong.

He started to harass me
And he tried to push himself on me.
I said no and tried to back away,
But he was stronger
And delayed no longer.
I can barely talk about this moment,
It was so painful for me.

My head, my body, my heart.
It all felt so wrong.
What would people think of me?
What would my mother say?
What am I supposed to do?
I screamed as much as I could,
But no one heard.

I finally got away and ran home a mess.
And the next day was the day I became hated.
By the whole world.
I walked into school
It was a pool of eyes staring.
I didn’t know why,
But I just ignored it.

I went up to my best friend
And greeted her with a warm hug
But she pushed away from me.
I asked her what was wrong.
She said,
“I can’t believe you.
You know how hard it was losing him,
And you do this to me?
I thought we were better than this.
But now I see.”

I suddenly knew.
Of course.
He told everyone
That I was the one forcing it on him.
The exact opposite of what had happened that night.
Nothing felt right.

Of course
Everyone believed him,
The popular guy,
The football player,
The jock,
The jerk,
Over me.
Not even my best friend
Believed what I had to say.
And that’s what hurt me the most.

After school that day,
I just didn’t know what to say.
I ran into my family’s one-room apartment.
No one was home.

I screamed.
I threw everything in sight.
I broke old pictures on the wall
Of my friends and I.
After everything was broken,
I just fell in the middle of the floor.

My hands covering my face.
My face red from my cries.
Yet I made no attempt to wipe my eyes.
I was angry.
I was sad.
I was lonely.
I was numb.

I screamed at the top of my lungs,
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why is this happening to me?”
I had no one to call.
No one to talk to at all
I was all alone.

March 30, 2010: Because of Me?
It’s Saturday.
One PM.
I’m still in bed,
With all the sheets over my head.

I needed to think about things.
I’ve had no time to process anything
But I HAVE no time.
I don’t want to, yet I was forced to.
What is happening in this life of mine?
Am I the reason why my life is torturing?

My mom is getting sicker and sicker as the days go by.
Is her stress getting thicker because of me?
Why is she getting sicker?
I wonder,
Does she ever think of me?
Do I help the fight,
Or make her want to die?
I think this is because of me.

My dad left my mom and I.
Was there even a possibility he cared?
Even a hair?
Why did he leave?
Was it because of me,
That he left my mom in distress?
Does he ever think about me?
Can’t he see how badly this is hurting me?
Surely if he cared he would not have dared to leave.
I think this is because of me.

I am ignored by every human being at school.
Did I do something wrong?
But I did nothing wrong.
He was the one who had all the fun.
Yet it was because of me.
Does my old friend ever think about me?
I think this is because of me.

I wish I could say everything was okay.
That tomorrow will be a new day.
But I know that nothing will ever be the same.
I will never be happier than I was
Before my mom was sick.
Before my dad left.
Before everyone hated me.
This IS all because of me.

I just want to be free.
Oh Lord, that sounds wonderful
To just be free.

I really just want to leave this world
And never look back.
I feel lost inside myself.
I’m a victim of my own mind.

But I can’t do this to myself.
I have to store my feelings away
For another day.
I refuse to give up.
I will not be put down.
I must stand up against the tide,
And never again hide.
I need to be strong for my mother,
who I love very much.

Yes, I miss my dad.
Yes, I miss my friends.
And yes, of course, I will miss my mom.
But I can’t change that now.
I will not break down
To this fear,
To this loneliness,
To this hatred.
I have to be strong for my mother.
She would do it for me.

I have to stand by my mom’s side
Every step of the way
Until she is gone.
On some other day,
I will deal with the rest.
But today is today.
And here I will stay.
I will be there for you, Mom.
Because I love you, Mom.
And I cherish every moment we have together, Mom.

All I want for her is to be better.
I just want to be together
Until death enfolds in its sweet arms,
But I can’t change this.
I have to stand by your side,
Until you, and I, die.

May 9, 2014: Years After
It has been four years and two months
Since I have written.
I suppose you might what to know what happened
To me,
To my mom,
To my dad
To my friends.

My mom died exactly four years ago
There was a funeral,
But not a lot of people showed.
I felt despondent.
Despairing.
Dejected.

I had no idea where to go.
So I gave up my apartment
Where all the memories were shared.
I left everything behind,
And moved to another small apartment,
Just for me.
A little farther away.

I kept my head up
Walking through the hallways.
The school year was almost over.
I only had to spend a little more time
Acting like I didn’t care what anyone would say.

I got a summer job.
I made some money to pay my rent.
I made some new friends
Who made me forget my past.

I haven’t seen my dad
Since the night before he left.
I didn’t bother looking.
If he didn’t care,
Then why should I?
I am not letting him
Bring these good days of mine down.
He doesn’t deserve a single thought in my head.

During the summer,
I decided to go to an art school
For my senior year in high school.
So I would never have to go back
And face the memories
That gave me scars.

I am very happy now a days.
I got a 4 year scholarship
To Northwest College Art & Design.
Things are going well here,
And I love it.
I express myself through my art,
And I’ve done great things
Ever since my mom has been gone.

She gave me hope in myself.
She let me know that I was put on Earth for a reason.
She told me I can survive without her.
She said that I was strong.
And I know I am.
I have been my whole life,
And I can be for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Mom.
For this hope.
That no one else could ever give me.
You taught me how to love myself,
As much as I love you.