I love me I swear

I don’t try to look different

I don’t long for my thigh gap to look bigger

And I don’t want my stomach to look flatter

Sure, I want to feel weak

To feel the comfort of an empty stomach

The comfort of an unfueled body

And yes, I like the feeling of being skinny

I like feeling dizzy when I stand up

And I love the compliments that come with my new body

I like people staring at me in awe

Wondering how I do it

But I don’t have an eating disorder

I swear.

I have never put my head in the toilet

And shoved my fingers down my throat

I swear.

No, I haven’t claimed I’ve eaten when I haven’t

Flushed food down the toilet

Or fainted because of a lack of energy

I am telling you I don’t have an eating disorder

I swear.

Yes, food can sometimes be all I think about

Yes, I do make plans according to it

And yes, I feel guilty after I eat

But doesn’t everyone?

Doesn’t everyone worry about what they eat?

How much they eat?

If they are gaining weight?

If they are losing?

They do, right?

Right?

Swear to me right now that they do!

I want you to swear!

Because if you swear it means it’s true, right?

Right?!

Well? Speak up

Please

Because if you don’t…

Well, if you don’t…

….

I think I have an eating disorder

I think I want an eating disorder

I think I need it

Because without it

What am I?

I for sure am not beautiful

Or worthy

Or pleasant

I am nothing

And I don’t want to be nothing

So, I don’t want to let go

Not just yet.

I am not sick enough yet.

But I swear I love me

I love this version of me.