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Right Now
Right now I am a little kid
That was forgotten
They lost me in the boxes
For packing and moving
Couldn't find me for hours
My animal noises weren’t loud enough
I forgot to return
They didn't see me fall
Mt st helens exploded
And the lava melted me away
While everyone slept
The lava sparred me
But my family burned
Pirates stole my stuffed animals
I was arrested and sent to jail
No one came to get me
And I couldn't even hug Bear.
Right now my socks are wet with rain from years and years ago.
I miss it.
I have been abandoned in a chasm
Right now i am fluttering
And barely here
And the rocks I hug to sink me back down
Keep slipping out of my hands.
I can't catch a full breath
So instead of slipping into sleep,
I fade into it
Losing myself every night.
Everything is too numb
And too empty
And too full
And sometimes I can’t find my own hand in the dark
Everything is terrifying
In such an embarrassing way
I'm not scared of heights,
But i nearly fainted looking down today
Cause i thought i might drop
My headphones.
You know when you're holding a carrot peeler and you get scared you might accidentally peel the skin off of your nose?
That's probably not actually that common of an experience
I love peeling carrots,
But I have to stay tunneled
That's kinda what everything is like these days.
Everything is fun as long as I don't think
Everything is whole as long as you don't look
I can hold on longer
I can hold on longer
Everything is better and easier than it used to be
But i've come untied
Im falling off into space
My past has become untethered
Its being erased every day
How can I move forward if I came from nowhere?
How do babies do it?
I guess they don't
I guess other people do it for them
My ribs hurt and it's not from binder bruises this time
Not that I know what it is from,
I just know its not that,
Because I haven't worn my binder in forever,
Because it got too small.
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I have PTSD and write poetry as a way of coping, I wrote this on a middle difficulty day to help hold my panic tethered. I use They/Them pronouns.