It's odd how I am writing this it just feels wrong......

But i guess since I am doing this might as well go on with it get it over with....



Well I think i got my answer what was driving me to do things, it was what I thought it was my kindness to giving and to honest about it. Not caring whether it consumes me or just engulfs me completely. Coming out was much easier knowing i had to change just to change somthing..... but this, this came at a greater cost than most ordeals. It just hit me that everytime i tried to do good it just gives it self back with hatred, meanness and ungratefulness, that the people I help were the ones draging me down from ever realizing that i am me and that is what I am. Someone who's to kind, caring and utterly to much for himself to handle alone.......



giving in was a much better way, just going with the flow not ever wondering, if changing this will it even matter, will it even do something or will i just go back to the way I am. This way I could find peace, even though it was temporary, a way to disappear not get noticed, but even though I wanted something like that, something to bare over........ this was not the way.......



It's much harder, it just gets harder the more I try to conceal the more i acttually let people control me, get the better of me.