Have you ever felt forgotten? Adrift among the currents of time? When you have no place anymore, because your spot is in the past, with them. Them, the person who you thought was going to be by your side, forever you and them against the world. But forever turned out to be a myth and lasted merely some minutes. They were good moments nonetheless, yet they left you yearning and saddened in their wake.

I can't imagine what I was doing but, one minute I was alone, the following I had a best friend. She drifted into my life with grace and force, spreading beauty. I knew from when I realized she had become my best friend that she would transform my life. Suddenly I had someone to share secret glances with in the middle of orchestra classes when I wanted to be anywhere but there. Someone to take ridiculous pictures with, have intense 3 AM conversations where we contemplated life itself, and weep over trivial inconveniences. We were happy, at least I thought we were. Did she never love me? We had our times, of course, where we were unhappy and had arguments, but that's life. Or was she always this miserable, and I only noticed seldom? She was the one person I knew I could rely on to be by my team. I thought we'd be side by side forever. Then it all fell apart.

She vanished from my life without a whisper of farewell. At first, I didn't realize how impactful her disappearance was. As time passed, I began to feel her absence acutely. I knew she was gone, and this time, she wouldn't be coming back. There would be no more 3 AM conversations, no crying sessions, no more pictures in dressing rooms right before concerts.  Have you ever felt the world fall out from beneath your feet? Felt the earthquake in your boots as you walked in a trance. When you look down, what's below you? A thin strand of hope.

I hoped that everything was just a fever dream because situations like this only happen in nightmares. Right? I would wake up in a few minutes, a text waiting for me with some Marvel meme she thought was funny. Or maybe she'd be there and, ten years later, we'd be 25 and happy. But that never happened. I never woke up. When I accepted I would never awake, I turned to other coping methods, particularly numbness.

I relished feeling nothing. I surfed the waves of emptiness, dull grey, and a red tint was all I saw. I watched cars passing and rain falling through glass. This window I saw the world through was a poisonous lens I had given myself and, I knew it. I knew that I'd one day have to process my feelings and move on but, for the time being, I just hunkered down and attempted to relax.  However, the longer I was numb, the more emotional backlog I had waiting in my office.

I decided to go back to work. Sadly I was right, a crowd of emotions waited for me within the walls. I spent around a month going through them. Most days, I longed for numbness, but I wasn't going to wallow in my grief anymore. So, I sucked up my fears and summoned a new hope. This hope was a sturdy bridge that eased me into the land I am in now. This state of mine is where I feel neither too much nor too little. I simply live, in peace with all my emotions. Of course, I still have bad days and, I know those will never cease but, I have learned that while it is okay to grieve, don't let it consume you. You are free, your time is now, your place is here, and it's up to you to be wherever you want to be.