The English language is insane. Plural forms, spelling, and verb tense confuses hundreds of kindergärtners every year. If two gooses are geese, then shouldn't two moose be two meese? Wasn't Amelia Badelia correct when she sketched out the curtains? We live in a world where you play the piano, but you act in a play. Americans paint their nails, but also hammer them into boards. Fall takes up a fourth of the year, but it only takes a fourth of a second to fall and break your arm.

In first grade, my teacher was pacing the room with a list of spelling words in her hands. “Weird. As in 'The boy was weird.'” Mrs. Brantly recited, hoping one of us would know. “Can anyone spell weird for me? Summer? How about you?”

“Weird. W.I.E.R.D. Weird.” I said, my voice full of confidence. All of my classmates looked as if they were sure I was right.

“No, Summer,” Mrs. Brantly said, “It's W.E.I.R.D. The E comes first.” What?!! I was stunned. I before E, except after C. Even I knew there was clearly no C in weird. My spelling trauma led on from there. I lived in Pflugerville, pronounced FLU-GER-VIL. Those crazy Germans were becoming just like Americans, adding silent letters in the oddest places.

The English and Americans alike should follow the rules set out for our language. Y should either be a vowel or a consonant, not both. I still don't know when Y is a vowel. According to Grammerbook.com, if your subject is plural, then your verb is also plural, and vice versa. But when a noun becomes plural, usually an S or E S is added on to the end, so shouldn't it be the same with verbs? No no, apparently they sing, but she sings. I know when I was in elementary school, I was preached, “Adverbs end with an -LY”. Ha, yeah. So he can smell badly, but he can also smell sweet? The woman can look slowly, but also look bad?

I find it interesting that there is no ham in hamburgers and a house burns from the bottom up, but we say the house burned down. If there is a cat fight at the mall, we don't call animal control, but we take out our phones and tape the estranged women battle it out for a purse. I've never seen corn that listens and I'm not giving anyone my John Hancock. He's dead.