Tiny

I sit in my cold chair with the ac blowing on my face trying to pay attention to the lesson but my mind wandering elsewhere. How can I focus on math when I leave for my permit test in twenty minutes I think. The teacher drones on about something I don’t understand and don’t care to remember. 10:20 finally time to leave. As I walk out of the building my vision is tunneled and I'm not aware of my surroundings; simply walking through a thick cloud of fog that is my judgment.

 My dad picks me up out front and we’re off. It's a quiet ride the closer we get the more clammy my palms are. I can feel the back of my shirt sticking to me as I break out in a slight nervous sweat. We finally reach the DMV and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel like I'm falling over while standing as solid as a rock, it’s as though my legs can no longer support me. 

I sit in the chair and everything I studied has been lost in the depths of my brain. Every question I get wrong makes my heart sink a little lower in my stomach and makes me like I'm diminishing a little more each time. One question left, and the ringing in my ears is getting louder by the second, I answer and everything falls silent. I can no longer hear the ringing, the sound of my heart beating like a snare drum, the paper shredder, or the woman at the desk clicking her pen. It's all gone silent. I passed.

I feel ten feet tall. It’s as though I can see over everyone. We wait in two more lines until we finally get out of the DMV. My heart is still racing but instead of being hollow it is full of life and is no longer down in my stomach but right back where it needs to be pounding softly in my chest. I feel tremendous; it’s as if I can fly while I skip out of the building and into the parking lot.

I get in the car and adjust the mirrors and seat. I can hear my dad grumbling in the passenger seat because I have messed up his perfectly aligned chair. I double-check everything and take the car out of park. My first left and over the bridge and I follow the road for another 2.3 miles. I turn my blinker on and turn the wheel to take a right in front of the elementary school. 

It's too wide.

I hear my dad scream my name. I don't take my foot off the gas, I just keep going. I'm frozen. I hit the car in front of me and I continue around in a circle until eventually, I hit something that stops me.  A street sign. I get out of the car and my heart drops. I could have killed someone. We tap on their window the airbags have gone off and the car is totaled;  I tore off the bumper and smashed in the front portion of their engine

I no longer have that silent bliss that held my ears and heart just moments ago, the ring and the pounding has returned but this time twice as loud and twice as lifeless. I don’t notice the tears slipping from my eyes until a woman grabs my attention and hands me a bottle of water. It's at this point when I feel all the stares; the stares of the children and the teachers that had been playing on the playground or the principal who came out to assess the situation. 

These are the same stares that I felt when I went into the school to use the bathroom. I could feel every individual pair of eyes on my neck as I walked down that hallway. Just hoping that it was all a dream and that I would wake up soon; while in the back of my head I knew what I had done and what could never be undone.

Whilst I was in the school my dad had called the police and when I got back out they were already there. I no longer felt sad or scared. I just felt guilty and numb, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop the crying. The cop asked if I was the one driving. I tried to speak but no words would come out so I simply nodded my head while staring down at the dirty soles of my shoes. Hoping that no one would notice the tears still coming from my eyes. 

I got off with a warning because he felt bad for the small child in front of him who couldn't speak or even make eye contact. The children were no longer on the playground. I couldn't feel the stares nearly as much anymore but in that singular moment, I felt the smallest I have ever felt. Why should I have gotten off with a warning when I put other people's lives at stake. 

I look back now and I'm grateful that I'm still able to drive and that no one was hurt, but my point of view has shifted dramatically. I’m almost glad that it happened when it did because if it didn't  I would be a lot less careful now. It could have happened a year from now while I'm driving down the road with my friends. I could have put more people I care about in an awful situation, but I didn’t. 

That gives me enough peace of mind to be glad for the experience that I have had, although it isn’t one that would wish on the worst person in the world because; that day and all of those people from just the whispers of children on the playground to the police officer and his pity made me feel like the most inferior and minuscule person ever.