No one should ever have as much power over someone as you do over me. You are every thought I have and I cannot believe I let you take up vacancy in my mind. Something that used to be so strictly mine, is now shared with someone I cannot have. I want so badly to be rid of you, but I cannot get away from the thought that is you. I am afraid of your presence. Of the further attachment I might catch by it. The deeper my feelings might go by being around you.  

And I do it to myself, I insert myself into your life because I think you need someone. I think you need me. I want you to need me. But the truth is, if you don’t act like you need me, then I cannot assume so. I can no longer start the conversation you are so dry to respond to. I cannot pretend there is excitement where there is none. And I cannot mistake your human nature to put a smile on my face for something more. Because if I'm honest with myself, you are not the one hurting me. I am only hurting myself. 

And it hurts more than words. It hurts this much because I would wait. I would wait so long for you. Just for you to look at me once and see what I see in you. I wouldn’t ask for you to think twice about me, because I know I am not worth so much. But I just want you to know that I’d give you the stars if you asked me for them. I’d give you the planets that orbit the sun if that’s what you wanted. I’d find a way to preserve any snowflake you wanted if your brian even pondered the thought, and I’d search the ends of the earth for the feelings you so badly need. If I could bottle the feelings you give me, I’d give them to you as well, because honestly, I don’t want them anymore. I’d give you my heart if it’s what you really wanted. I would do whatever it takes to make you smile your contagious smile. I would do anything if it meant your happiness. 

It hurts because I feel all of this, and you feel absolutely nothing towards me. I am only the friend of the girl that you still love. I have never cried over someone as much as I have over you. You’ve hurt me more than anyone I’ve ever met and yet I still think of you as someone who should have a reserved spot in heaven. That is how much control you have over me. And I am not proud of these feelings. They are the ugliest part of me, the weakest part and I cannot hide them, I cannot get rid of them. They are with me every second of every minute of every day. Reminding me of what I may not have. Of what I can only look at from afar and dream of what could have been. 

I hate everything about loving you if that’s what this is. I hate that I cannot listen to a song without thinking of you. I hate that every song seems to be about you. I hate that you confuse my idea of love. And most of all, I hate that I know things about you that I never intended to know. Like how you smile even when you are sad and that you feel through your music. I know that you stay active to distract yourself. And I know that you went through some of your hardest times alone and that’s why you don’t accept help now. And I know that you feel guilty when you share your feelings. And I hate that I know all of these things, and you know absolutely nothing about me. But I do not blame you, this is not your fault. You cannot feel something just because someone else wants you to, and I understand that.

And after everything, after all of this emotion that I’ve worked so hard to hide, to bottle up and throw into the sea in hopes it would end up never seen by anyone, is now on paper, I am only further confused. Because though I would do anything for the privilege to call you mine, I would never wish myself upon you. I would never wish such darkness upon anyone. You deserve the world because if you are capable of making someone feel something, anything, after feeling nothing for so long. You deserve the world, and I am only a small part of it. I cannot provide you with what you deserve, I cannot even give you the bare minimum, and I would be sorry, but I know that you do not care. And for that, I will be sorry. Because people live for this feeling. This feeling I can only describe as love. But right now, this feeling is killing me.