Tilly Tagan and a battle of her mind

My name’s Tilly Tagen, I’m a sophomore just starting to attend high school. It's my first day at JP high, the name stands for Jared Park, the founder of the school almost 30 years ago. I look at the school that is a bit run down in the early fall breeze, as I enter the high school in my black ripped jeans and bright pink hair. I shove my way through the crowd feeling myself wanting to shrink into myself with each step and as I finally step out of the crowded halls into my first-period class, I feel myself sigh with relief as I make my way to the back of the class. Sitting in the seat next to the window, I look up at the front of the class to read the board. 

Welcome to freshman creative writing

I hear the bell ring loudly in my ears and the class quickly fills with a number of people, holding hands with their partners and girls with flawless looks I will never have, and clothes I don’t have the guts to wear. I sigh knowing I’ll continue to be the girl in the back of the class without friends to keep her company even in high school, I’m knocked out of my thoughts when the teacher finally stands to speak

“Hello class, my name is Mrs. Haze and I'll be your English teacher for the next few months. As a first assignment, I want you to just be creative and write a letter to yourself if you die. Say how you died and what you would have wanted yourself to know”

The class groaned at the thought of already getting an assignment so early in the year but I pulled out a piece of paper and began writing.

Dear Tilly Tagan,

I know you’ve had a hard life, You felt like no one cared for you most of your life. Your parents only talking to you in harsh yells and swift hits to you as a kid, Nightmares haunt your sleepless nights and screams fill your head but silence fills your room at night. You're only 15 and you already died with blood-stained wrists and paperback pills in your stomach. You knew that it wasn’t the bully’s or your family that ran that razor down your thighs so many times over but their words hurt worse than the pain on your arms as you watched the blood run down your arms but you were so tired. I know, I was once you. I know that your best friends treated you like crap and once you had no one. But it might be ok if you had lived. The only friend you had never spoken to you outside of class, as you chased a love that will never happen. You left a note the day you died saying how you loved everyone so much but no one loved you. So with blood-spilled hands and tear-stained face, you took the last bit of light you were holding on to so dearly.  You had written that note so many times and scar permanently painted on your arms for all eternity. How beautiful your pale face looked in the mood light that night.  

I quickly read over the letter and erased it so I could write it again knowing the counselor would want to talk to me if I turned it in.

Dear Tilly Tagan, 

I can't believe you died at 15. You had so many dreams for your life and you wanted to be so many things it was hard to decide when some asked what you wanted to be. You wanted to be an artist, a writer, a fashion designer, and even a computer programmer. You wanted to date someone special and be as happy as you could be, you wanted to travel the world one day. But here you are dead at 15 by natural causes. Mom and dad would be so sad to see you go and so would your friends. I wanted you to know that you will be missed and remembered by those who loved you, but they will get on and be happy even with the memory of you still with them. 

I reread my letter and wonder if this is enough for the assignment and know that it's what people what to see, instead of the thoughts of depression I was diagnosed with at 12, I look around and people are starting to look up at the clock and packing up before getting on their phone so I quickly write my name on the top of the paper and clean up. Shoving my first letter into my pocket as I look around the room to see the girls wearing makeup and the wanna-be jocks. We have just started high school and already I can tell it's going to be a long year surrounded by the kids who had torn me down in middle school but try to pretend they don’t even remember me. 

“Alright everyone, the class will be over in a few minutes, please hand your papers to me.”

Mrs. Haze stood by the door awaiting our papers before we left. Everyone stood at once and started to hand their papers to Mrs.Haze, I took one look at the paper I wrote at the last minute and handed it to her as I was going to walk out.  

“Tilly, can I talk to you for a moment before you go to your next class”

I stopped as I heard her talk, I turned around and walked back in as I spoke

“ Sure, what do you need?”

She looked distraught as she was about to speak, she was a pretty tall woman with bright blond hair and blue eyes. 

“The middle school had informed me about your mental state and I wanted to let you know you can always come to talk to me if you need someone.”

She gave me a weak smile, I nodded and walked out of the classroom in a hurry. I headed down the crowded hall shrinking into myself as I walked making sure to get out of people's way and not be noticed. Hours had passed and it was finally lunchtime, as I made my way to the cafeteria I looked around to see everyone grouped together already and I didn't have a space to call my own. I looked down at my home lunch and realized I was taking up too much space so I threw out my lunch and walked outside to the bench that was emptied. 

As I sat down I noticed a guy I remembered from middle school, Ren Gilly. He was popular and outgoing in our middle school, every girl wanted to be with him. He was the typical Tall, pale blond hair and blue eyes type guy but he was so hot. I have had a crush on him since we met in 7th-grade science class, but it would never work. Girls had threatened me to stay away from him by the popular girls while the guys told me to give up. He would never feel the same for me as I did for him. As I stared I noticed him looking back at me, I felt my cheeks burn bright red as I quickly looked away, I noticed his smile slightly before turning back to the group of friends he was with. 

Buzzz buzz

I look at my phone to see a new message reading

When you get home you better do your chore and the dishes before I even step foot through that door  

-mom

Great! I've got three homework assignments and I have work to do when I get home from school and it’s only the first day... This was going to be a long year indeed, I heard the bell ring and got up to go to my next class, science. As I enter the room, I look to see Ren sitting in my class so perfectly laughing, as I step in I see him smile and wave me over. I  excitedly grip my sketchbook and make my way over to him and take a seat next to him.

“Hey Tilly,”  He says with a grin that makes my heart jump from my chest and into my head

“h..hey Ren” I stumble over my words causing my cheeks to burn, he laughs at my stutter and turns to the front of the class while the teacher starts class.

“Hello everyone, I'm Mr.Deal I’ll be your biology teacher this year, I hope you all had a great summer. I’ll be passing out the schedule  for the year please look it over”

Mr.Deal passes out papers while he talks. When he reaches me he kindly looks at me and over to Ren and continues on. 

“Today we will be doing a simple reading that will take us into our first unit of the year, Mrs. Tagan will you please start us off”

Mr.Deal looks at me with a smile as I nod and I turn to page 120 and start reading. As I'm reading, I’m stuttering my words as I hear people snicker around me. I finish the section and the next person starts to read out loud, my cheeks burn red as  my eyes burn from tears threatening to spill down my face I think to myself

Don’t cry in front of him.. Don’t cry in front of him please Don’t

I slowly start to tremble and try my hardest to focus on the reading about Atoms but all I can hear are the whispers around me 

Awe is she gonna cry… poor tilly can’t even read right... Her parents must be so disappointed in her... Didn’t she go to speech therapy...

I slowly get up from my seat and ask Mr.Deal to go to the bathroom, he just nods and asks the reader to continue. I walk as fast as I can to the bathroom, locking myself in a stall. I feel tears falling down my cheeks as my eyes burn from the saltwater in my eyes. It's my last class of the day and I fall apart with Ren sitting next to me, I pull out my old razer and make a line down my thigh... Not one or two but five small cuts. My tears stop falling as I slowly exhale the cold pain in the leg with drops of blood running down my thigh. I clean myself up, put my razor back into my pocket, I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes are never bloodshot after I cry, I look fine as usual.

I make my way back to class, wincing at the pain when I sit down next to Ren smiling back at him. Turning back to the reading for the rest of class. 

“Alright, a class with being over in a few minutes hope you had a good first day and I’ll see you all tomorrow”

Mr.Deal says while the class puts their books away and begins talking to their friends, I again wince at the pain in my thigh as I stand up with my backpack in hand. I feel a sharp poke in my side causing me to turn to see Ren smiling at me. I smile back at him. He was always taller than me and tickling me in middle school the bell rang loudly in my ears before I had time to say anything and Ren got taken away by some friends. I watched him laugh with his friends.

I step into the now-empty home since my brother is at an after school club he does three times a week and my sister lives with her girlfriend which is such a relief. I turn some music up to drown out my thoughts and I start to clean, lyrics fill the house as I sing.