Over the past year, I have spent a lot of time learning about my Torah portion and exploring my connection to my jewish heritage.

My torah portion talks a lot about faith, and the need for some material focus for Jewish beliefs. An example of that is the story of the golden calf. The jews in the desert were used to interacting with other cultures, like the egyptians, who had physical manifestations, such as monuments and statues, to represent their gods. So when they tried to set up their own culture, they wanted something to start with, that would be easy to understand, so they chose something that was familiar to them. Moses was their tangible representation of their jewish beliefs. Then, he went up the mountain and they lost that. That scared them and pushed them to build something to reassure themselves. The solution that they came up with was the golden calf. Moses, who was on mount Sinai, and had been talking to god, couldn’t understand the need for the golden calf. But we as humans sometimes need a tangible focus for our faith.

In the modern world, synagogues and the torah are a way to structure our jewish faith. They are also a way to connect with other jews around the world, who go to services for shabbat. Even though every congregation does things differently, we all share the words of the torah and the prayers, as well as the history that they represent.

At the beginning of the jewish journeys program, we were asked two questions. The first one was: “What does it mean to you to be jewish?” and the second one was: “Do you believe in god?” When the time came to start thinking about my speech, I decided that I wanted to try and answer those questions.

After being asked what judaism means to me, I thought about it and came up with a partial answer. I thought about how I have always been jewish, and for a while, the notion that I was jewish because I’ve always been was my answer. But one day, I was sitting in the sanctuary and we were singing Mah Tovu. At that moment, I felt like I was really connected to the sanctuary and everybody in it. It was the first moment where I felt like I really connected with my jewish identity, not because part of my family is jewish but because I am jewish.

Although the synagogue provides us with a community, it is still up to every individual to be jewish and believe in god in their own way. Even though the words of the torah are the same everywhere, they can mean different things to different people. Just like the words of god can have various meanings, the very idea of god itself means different things to different people, at different times. Children may imagine god to be an old man on a cloud, watching over them like a grandfather. A teenager may imagine a very controlling entity, like a parent who tells them what to do.

Until recently, the concept of god was a very distant idea in my head. As a small child, god was a concept I vaguely knew existed, but I wasn’t interested in discovering what it meant to me. The jewish journeys program encouraged me to think about the concepts of jewish identity and god in a more meaningful, adult way.

To me, god is an idea that exists in a tangible way. At the start, Abraham and the first jews created the concept of a single god. Then, when they looked for reassurance, they turned to that god. They shaped that image, then they let that image shape them. Humans create god, and then they let god redefine humanity. Say the very idea of god didn’t exist. Judaism, Chritsianity, Islam, all the monotheistic religions, and every historic event that happened because of religious faith and communities wouldn’t have happened. God is whatever we choose to make God, and our ancestors chose to make God a very important figure in their lives, in turn shaping our lives, history, society, a part of what makes us human, and our culture. So yes, I do believe in god. That is part of the reason why god exists.

Part of my jewish identity is the thinking part, like considering yourself as jewish. But another part is the combination of small, different actions that we do at different times during the year: eating matzah, lighting the shabbat candles, telling the stories of hannukah and purim, fasting on Yom Kippur and many more. Now that I have embraced my jewish identity, these things mean more and seem more important. I have reached an important moment, where I can decide for myself which mitzvot will be part of my adult life.

Shabbat Shalom