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Before
Today was yet again the day.
Whispers could be heard in the halls as I walk my lonely road. They are looking upon me with judgmental eyes and hatered. What I have done to them, I don't know.
They jeer and yell at me, calling me names and wishing me dead. I fight the urge to close my eyes and run, I fight the urge to stop walking.
"Going to another guys house again 'eh Ann?" A familiar voice called out. Ivan.
I attempt to ignore him, quickening my pace. I wont be drawn in that easily. Not again.
"Is it going to be your place or his this time?" He calls again to me, and I don't answer. My only responce is another step out of this hell hole.
It seemed to take an eternity, to walk from my class to the front door, out to freedome. It feels like forever. I turn down a familiar wooded path, and let the tears flow. Today was the day when I permitted myself to let it out, to break my unwaivering mask. Endless tears seem to run down my cheeks. The hurt was unbearable, but I held it in until the grave was in sight.
Mary and Jeff Bathson.
Loving mother and father.
Throwing myself onto my knees before the grave, I curl up into a ball, and howl with anguish.
---
I had followed her after she left, waiting a few minutes before leaving. She didn't seem to notice. When the trail we were on led to a cemetary, goose bumps ran down my arms. What was she? A witch? Was she going to raise dead, or start a ritual? I knew she was bad.. but this is a whole new level. Thoughts flow endlessly, looking at every possibility, everyone but the right one, I realized, as soon as she dropped before a grave.
No way...
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This article has 17 comments.
I love the idea of this story, and it's clear that you're really good at imagery. =) But there are a lot of spelling & grammar mistakes that kinda detract from the actual story... and like Day-Dreamer17 said, it's confusing to the reader when the story suddenly switches from past tense to present tense in the middle of paragraphs.
I definitely think you should continue with this! It's a great idea and could develop into an amazing story. (: Hope I helped.
Okeedoke. First of all, I like the idea. :) It's a little vague what the purpose is, but if you wrote more I think it would become clearer. There are some grammar trip-ups that you could fix, but those aren't as important in my book. You've got to watch the tenses, though. Sometimes it's in present, sometimes in past.
What really confused me is who's following her? Is it a guy or a girl? The whole thing's a little vague.
Keep writing, 'cause you probably have more than one person's curiosity up, including mine. :)
Hey, it’s Annali from Actually Helpful Critique.
The archaic voice was very interesting, but it was inconsistent. If your narrator is going to sound old fashioned/ formal, then she has to sound that way all the time. Ex.“ They are looking upon me with judgmental eyes and hatred. What I have done to them, I don't know.” If you mix using contractions and not using contractions, then you are going to sound stilted and awkward.
The piece doesn’t quite flow so smoothly, maybe because of the lack of contractions and slang. Read every sentence aloud to see how it’s going to sound. “They are looking upon me with judgmental eyes and hatred,” sounds off; but “They fix judgmental stares full of hatred upon me,” sounds a bit smoother, but still archaic.
This piece was a bit short; personally I would have waited and finished the second narrator’s bit before I published. Definitely continue it. It sounds intriguing, but I didn’t get a full sense of the plot because there wasn’t enough.
Bottom Line: Continue it and polish for flow.
Now that I got that out of my system....
The good: The emotions are good. You don't make them frilly and pink - you leave them raw and it serves your purpose well. I love the other perspective. Adds to the mystery. :)
The bad: It is a little confusing. Today was what day? You could use a little more detail.
The random: Definitely continue!
Keep writing! ~AsIAm
I will continue it, but I cannot promise when. Inspiration is a hard thing to find here. Hope you enjoy it when I continue! And ill check out yours soon :)
I also liked this.
This was a great prologue I think, becasue you showed two aspects of Ann- her apparent problem with boys, and her unfortunate dead partents. You should definately continue. I think this could be a deep story, one where the main character not only has one deep problem, but two. I think you could do wel wit this, please continue.
I also loved how you had that other character follow her into the graveyard. It was good to get another POV, to see how others saw her.
Can you check out my story, "Encounter"? I think you'd like it.
